The sun already starts burning on the skin since today. Already on this January day on the countryside of Portugal. For me, merely an enjoyment, but for the local citizens more of a worry. I’m confidently walking along an empty road, like a lone cowboy on the vast plains. I’m caught up in a paradoxal state of being. Bittersweet. A feeling that resembles, to me, our natural state. The goodness of life, but the realization of its finite nature. Melancholia, some others may call it.
The airpods in my ears play a hopeful tune highlighting the essence to ‘close your eyes and become a mountain’. One of the songs that really reflect this year of finding wholeness within myself. Converging into the oneness of the universe. Every now and then at least. We used to steadily hold hands on the playground, but only until I myself started building barriers and replaced our intimacy with a sort of anxiety. The fears that shaped my most recent years. Sometimes in amusing ways, at other times more faulty. Only to leave me behind with a feeling of loneliness. The never ending loneliness stuck in the core of my being. Like an elder who gave up on love, because he knows death will come sooner. But, how… How, I don’t know! It seems like this year I’ve collected myself again. This year I left behind some painful reality and found ‘peace’. It’s pretty nice catching up with this old friend.
Weirdly enough that’s the wholeness I needed to make this decision. The decision to face the end. To ‘change’ my life by looking death in the eye. At least, that’s what most people told me when they looked back at their jump.
And as the sun feels warmer every minute, the amount of planes that pass by increases. Almost every ten minutes the music in my ear will be accompanied by the roaring sound of airplane jets. A sound that warms me more than it ever did. A sound that triggers images of my life-long fantasy. Or, well… life long fantasy? It’s really just some bucket list item, like most people have it on there. Somewhere on the top of these to try’s before you die. At least, if you don’t die in the process.
Now 30 minutes into the future I’m sitting practically in the lap of my nearly new best friend watching over the green countryside of Portugal. Our little aircraft is flying higher and higher as I suddenly feel an overwelming stress passing through my body as I grab onto the bench I’m sitting on. The little plane moves straight up with it’s nose facing heaven, when only seconds later coming back into normal position. A movement that gives a sense of weightlessness. Anti-gravity. While my body is looking for reliant stability, my instructor yells out “that’s the pilot. He’s crazy. He’s drunk.” My fear melts away and transform into laughter after envisioning myself into the drunk pilot death machine.
Person after person gets pushed out and is violently taken by the wind just outside that small door. It’s pretty insane seeing them being taken away within the fraction of seconds while we only climb higher and higher in altitude. Then, suddenly, it’s our time. After the now managable stress of weightlessness we slide down the bench in the direction of the blue hole that sounds like it’s crying loudly.
My knees settle down at the edge of the door, as my ‘nearly new best friends’ pushes my face slightly outside into the chilly winds of 15000 feet high. It only takes seconds before I feel soft push in my back and… complete powerfulness. For the first few seconds it’s the most insane feeling one can have. Diving into the open space and leaving behind ‘every form of safety’. No ground. The only resistance my body know in this moment is the wind pushing into my face.
A lot of sensory stimuli, I must say A lot of sensations. But, thoughts about death stay behind. The fact is thatI’m trying to experience ‘near death’, but the only thing coming closer are the buildings on the ground. Nothing in me screams for safety. Why? Probably because I feel safe. There were rollercoasters that concerned me more than this 15000 feet free fall. Nevertheless, a great experience! Even secretly tastes like more. On the other hand also a dissapointing experience, because I put my expectations up so high! The only thoughts that passed my mind were of excitement and of the past month.
Just after new years eve left me craving for water and good nights sleep, I set of into the depths of France. Together with two of my friends and their grandmother, which of course is also my friend, we headed south fantasizing about the unique week we were about to have with their family. Also, I was really excited to see Mick again and the sauna he’s building at the moment. For a while I hoped we were able to test that one out, but I soon realized that it would take a few more weeks to build a roof and inner walls. However, the wamth of this family week would eventually soothe my body more than a sauna ever will.
After a week of stimulating workouts, intense games and loads of good food, I traveled to Bordeaux. A city famous for it’s wine, and the reason I would eventually fly to Lisbon with a hangover. Whatever state I was in, Lisbon turned out more magical than expected, since I’ve only seen new streets and neighborhoods, filling my mind with inspiration that might be able to last for at least four months. A proces that seems to take more effort since the years go by. But, nothing in Lisbon can top being around friends. One of the bigger reasons I would stay in Portugal for a month were Filipa and Luis. The folks I met during a training course in Czech republic. They would eventually fill my days with new adventures.
From dancing classes, getting drunk with Filipa’s father to roman ruins, megalithic monuments and crossfit with Luis’s girlfriend, who’s also named ‘Filipa(!)’. These days were beautiful. They sparked lots of creativity in the old mind of aye. In other words, these people gave me so much energy and joy. It was comfortable. One of these things that gets painfully obvious when you notice that you sleep better and deeper than you did in any day of the last year. At least, that’s how it felt. How I feel now. In the meantime I have also traveled back to Lisbon and then north to Porto for a full day… That should have been more, but I will check that city in another time. Right now I notice that the meaningless roaming around by myself has lost meaning. Every day by myself, I start wondering what I’m doing. A kind of emptiness that doesn’t have to be there. So, I went back to Evora to go hang out with two of my favorite people here. What does a person need more than human connection?
We were really close to the ground when I thought to myself “shoudn’t someone open up this parachute?” That was almost exactly the moment I felt a double tap on my shoulder, meaning I have to hold on again to the straps that have prevented me from dying. A short moment of intense sensations as it feels like were being dragged back into the sky, but then woosshhhh…. It’s like a storm has flown over and the serenity returns to earth. The wind blows gently now as we are slowly moving towards the warm, kindly soil I never thought I would miss. But the real calm would have to wait. Because as soon as we’re hanging there my ‘strap on’ pushes two chords into my palms. Supposedly I’m the one going to push the buttons here. I have to show my worth directing this thin peace of fabric that’s saving us at this moment. And well, that part didn’t excite me as much as the rest. But slowly I got into it and started pulling the ropes. We went “right”. Then a “hard right”. Followed by a “left” swing. Since I couln’t find the cojones to pull the chord to my chest, my instructor helped me as we seemed to interval in short free falls. It was actually really nice, but just not comfortable as a first time parachute director.
Not long after I was pulling my legs up as high as we could as we scraped the surface of the grass field. We’re back on the ground. Holy damn. That actually does feel good. Also not. It was ‘just fun’. It wasn’t like that time on mushrooms when I really felt I was dying. I had too much trust in this ex-paramilitary man that I was strapped onto. But hey, we’ve done it. We’ve said “I love you” to the most valuable people in my life. I think it was all just right.
This time in my life seems highlighted by the connections I have with the people around me. One great experience after the other where I seem to get closer to the people I cherish. It feeds into my greatest asset: feeling gratefull. I don’t care whether I jump out of an airplane or die on a mushroom trip, or even in my daily life. Death is always around the corner and that’s just okay. I’ve done much of what I wanted in this life. I have said most of what I needed to the people I love.
I’m grateful.